The Stalker Child

This weekend is a massive yard sale extending twenty miles along 5 and 20 from Lima through Avon and all the way to Caledonia. I went to a few yard sales over lunch on Friday and a few more yesterday. Today after getting up early and going the first service at church I went for a little jaunt. Surprisingly there were some yard sales out today that were not there Friday or Saturday. It was at the first sale I stopped at that the story I am going to write about took place.

It was a nice sized sale with stuff all the way back the driveway and all over the front yard. There was nothing of interest to me on the driveway so I headed for the front yard. That was my big mistake. Suddenly I looked down to find HER right in front me. There was nothing particularly horrifying about her. She was small with flaming red hair, a very freckled face. It was the eyes that were the problem. The second I looked into her eyes I knew, this girl was on a mission; a mission… for my money.

“Would you like to buy some lemonade?” she inquired in a syrupy sweet voice.

“No thank you” I replied in a polite business tone with a small smile to make the blow a little more gentle.

“Well… then… maybe you would like some of the other stuff I am selling” with that she turned and I realized that in my trying to edge away from her I had planted myself in front of her sales stand where she had all sorts of goodies laid out. I looked up from the goodies into her smiling face. I swear she fluttered her eyelashes at me. There was an awkward pause and I knew I had to say something.

“Umm. What kind of bread is this?” I asked as I pointed at a small slice of bread carefully wrapped with a 50 cent label stuck on it.

“That is banana nut bread, and this one,” she pointed to the slice next to it, “is lemon bread. There 50 cents each and my mom…”

“I’ll buy one of those” I interrupted. “Do you have $9.50 if I give you a ten?”

“People come here and give me lots of change for their food, and so I have tons and tons.” She rambled on and on as she attempted to count out $9.50 in quarters. I cringed and bit my lip. Thankfully she realized that it would not work and with a. “this will take too long” she switched to counting it out in ones but she kept messing up and having to start over again. I stared blankly at the five dollar bill lying in the pile of ones trying to will her to pick it up. It must have worked; she dropped her ones, picked up the five and started counting again. At long last I had my money. She asked which one I was buying and I picked up the banana nut and said, ”this one, thank you” and turned to walk away.

From behind me I heard the voice that had practically never ceased since it had asked about lemonade say “Excuse me.” I turned slowly to find her looking at me with an expression I knew well, the one that says “What are you doing? Don't you know better?”

“That is my display bread;” she stated, “it is not for sale. you can have this one form the basket.” She pulled another piece out. Her demeanor reminded me of when my sister worked in day care and she talked about how you get a child to give up something they should not play with by getting them to trade it for something they can play with. “Now Billy, we don’t throw knives, we throw balls. Would you like to play with this ball Billy?”

Anyhow, I sheepishly handed over the display bread and took the piece she offered, thanked her and skedaddled out of there as fast as I could without being rude.

So am I a softy? No, she was a stalker child I had to do what I felt was the safest and most effective way to be rid of her, besides she was a red head. IRISH TEMEPR!!!! HELLO!!! I was scared for my life; it was worth fifty cents to get out of there in one piece. And I only thought about buying some more bread and cookies to bring back for my roommate for like two seconds. I did not actually do it.

Next time I plan to do better. I will be like, “Sorry Honey, I am allergic to dairy, I can’t eat your food.” Naw, that is too sweet sounding, she probably would not even understand. Maybe I will try something more like, “Are you trying to kill me you evil child?! Be gone with you!” yeah that is a good one. I will try that one next time.